How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
