We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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