I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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