Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
