i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
