Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
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Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
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Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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