Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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