yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
