the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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