I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Randomize
