we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
We don't watch enough power rangers
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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