I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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