wanna go halves on a baby?
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize