Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
