used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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