We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
