i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
You smell like stripper and shame
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
My liver just had a heart attack.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
