I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
