Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Randomize
