can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
