Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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