My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
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