don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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