Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Randomize
