Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
