got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize
