I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
