Your mouth is God's brothel.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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