just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
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He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
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Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
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