Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
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We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
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This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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