Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Randomize
