I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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