I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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