I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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