So drunk, too bad you don't want this
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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