I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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