Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Randomize
