people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
