woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
