He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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