Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
