My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
