just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
