the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
