1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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