Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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