I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Randomize
