I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
