I haven't been this sober since birth.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Randomize
