Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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