Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
