Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I need to sanitize my soul.
Randomize
