Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize
