Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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