Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Randomize
