I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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