My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
